IN HONOUR OF THE ROYAL WEDDING 3

Two days to go, hod me back, as they say in Scotland.

Here's something inspired by the best man.

 

PRINCE HARRY FOR KING

Well, he's got ginger hair

and is the man to know

if you ever need

a fancy dress costume

 

He's eaten dolphin and rhino and baby gorilla

Once scraped the innards out of a polar bear

and slept inside its body

to survive an arctic storm

 

He's good with weapons

regularly shouting "Yeeha!" in nightclubs

as he draws two guns

from low slung holsters

Taking out the mirrorball

and the foam-making machine

How the other patrons laughed

 

Other guns are saved for Scottish moors

Grouse, pheasant, deer, peasant

all victims of his steady hand and steely eye

Once he brought down a golden eagle

leaning from his brother's helicopter

with a semi-automatic

that took out some sheep on the ground

and strafed a campervan

How those tourists laughed

 

He can ski, jet-ski, drive tanks fast

Goose-step

Drinks pints of absinthe

without falling down, sometimes

He's an Admiral in the Navy

A General in the Army

An Air Marshall in the RAF

How the war widows laughed

 

Now he's planning

to go up Mount Everest

on the back of a Sherpa

That's the sort of king we want

Action Man

Man of the people

How the yeti are going to laugh