IN HONOUR OF THE ROYAL WEDDING 2

Here's a poem that appeared in issue 10 of "Nasty Piece of Work", inspired by someone on the radio saying that Joan Collins was switiching on the Blackpool Illuminations because there was no-one bigger. And I thought yes there is, but she's dead, but then again, why does that have to be a problem? I remember reading this at the RAFA Club in Glasgow on a Chris Mount organised excursion to a stunned crowd. "And it had all been going so well," Linda said, as I sat down beside her.

 

DI-LLUMINATIONS

 

It went well

The crowd went wild

Standing before the darkened tower

gulls twisting overhead

No pictures, please

Not yet

 

The make-up could have been better

But the bodyguards did a good job

Tweezers at the ready to catch

the stray maggot, or worm, or beetle

And although the glass eyes did

roll a bit in their sockets

they were a perfect match

Ask any reader of "Hello" magazine

 

The limbs were surprisingly easy to move

Strong hands eased her forward to pull the lever

But make a note to reinforce those joints

an arm coming off would be a disaster

And savings can be made on perfume

she didn't really smell that bad.

 

So she's back

and the people were overjoyed,ecstatic

when she said

"I declare these illuminations on"

in joined together snippers of sound bites

And we can declare this Di run a success

Future engagements guaranteed

Cash in advance

Just don't expect too much

in the way of conversation